Rambling thoughts... the essence of my life.

This is going to be a rambling post here… so you can bear with me and read through it, or just ignore my silliness.


To begin with, none of this is meant to brag or gloat, and at times I am going to sound like I am saying something that is wrong, but there is always a track for these trains of thought. Just ride it all out or skip the trip.

I have something called an image. You have one, too, whatever it may be. Let me explain to you what my image is. To those outside of my family it is the “good girl” image. To my parents it switches between the “will she ever get what we are saying” image and the “perfect child” image. But most of the time I hear the “good girl” and “perfect child”. Let me say here, this is absolutely nothing to brag about. First of all, it is more of a hindrance than a blessing. This is where the rambling begins.

Most people want that sort of image. “Why can’t I be like so and so? They do everything right.” Ha. You only think that good people do everything right. We don’t. I promise. Don’t try to be a “good girl” or a “perfect child” (or a “good guy” for that matter). This is why it is a hindrance. When you have an image of a certain way of being, people notice when you sway from what they deem to be that image. If I wear a piece of clothing they deem to be immodest (everyone has their own personal convictions) or gaudy, then I am judged by their perceptions of what a “good girl” is and does. If I decide I want a tattoo, but that is against their convictions then *gasp* I’m…. I’m a rebellious little thing. (Just as a note, I currently do not want nor plan to have a tattoo, nor will I condemn them as sinful. That is for you all to decide for yourselves.) It is hard. It is very hard. We want to be good, but we fall, we stumble, we sin. We may believe something to be right, but someone else doesn’t, and said other person decides to ruin our image. I know for myself, I have refrained from doing things thinking “if I do this they will think I’m not a perfect young lady anymore”. I’m not joking. It wasn’t because my heart was in the right place, it was because I was afraid of the perceptions of others.

Here is one reason that Christianity comes so hard to me. (Please hear me through). Because of this image that I have ‘to protect’ (hint of sarcasm there) I always had for myself a list of to do’s and to don’ts based on what other people said to me. Here are a few-

1) Read your bible every day. Why- If you don’t you won’t know God, you aren’t a true Christian, and you are a hypocrite.

2) Stand out. Be different. Don’t do what the rest of the world does. Why- If you do you aren’t a true follower of Christ. You aren’t truly being conformed and transformed to His image.

3) Go to church every Sunday. Why- Because in order to grow at all, you must have fellowship with other believers. You can’t consider yourself a good Christian and not go to church. You won’t grow without church.

4) Always obey. Parents, teachers, pastors, etc. Why- Because God commands you listen to those in authority over you. Any sort of questioning, talking back (even in a respectful tone), and disobedience is highly punishable. They know things you don’t, never question, simply do.

Now some of those may seem like good reasons to do those things. But let me now explain to you why the why’s in each of those really good, healthy things to do damaged how I looked at them.

1) I felt that if I didn’t I was a sinner and hypocrite, and didn’t feel close to God. I felt like it didn’t matter whether I read my bible because no matter what I did, I couldn’t be close to Him.

2) This caused me to do all I could to stand out (including never even considering college or a job), and it also caused me to judge others as well, in accordance with what I deemed to be a “good person”.

3) This caused me to become reluctant to attend church, and pushy when we didn’t go. It was a hard spot to be in. I didn’t want to go, but felt I needed to. I never desired to worship and praise, I did it because I had to.

4) This was the toughest one for me. This made it hard for me to express my true thoughts, for fear of being shot down and considered rebellious. I was under the impression that even if something wasn’t the best option available, if I was told to do it, I needed to do it. I wasn’t supposed to suggest better options.

Now I am not in any way excusing what I think and do. I am in charge of choosing how and what I think, with the help of my Savior. But these are the things that negatively affected just how I think/thought about Christianity. I felt that it was impossible. I couldn’t be perfect. I wasn’t Jesus! So I sort of abandoned what I felt was Christianity. I didn’t want it. I looked the part, talked the part, even partially walked the part, but deep down, in my heart, I was only doing it to protect who I was. Or… who I thought I was. I thought this way until last summer. Until I read a book that really taught me more than I can say. It brought me to tears at some points and laughing at others. I was so wrong!

People today are often times so bound to their image. The image created for and by them. They don’t understand that Christianity is not about our image. It’s about His. We have to be free to be conformed to His image, not ours. It starts with us being willing to forget what others think about us. We should be thinking primarily of what God would think of us. Do that and you are bound to have a good reputation with most. Everyone may not like you, but you can be sure you will be in the right. It doesn’t matter what others think, because 100 years from now you’ll be in front of God Almighty, not them. It’s a hard choice to make. We are naturally pleasers of ourselves and of others. When we allow Christ in us, our primary reputation to keep should be our reputation before God.

Now I am not “bashing” good girls or “perfect children”. I’m not saying I want to be rebellious and totally detach from my roots. I’m not saying I want to forsake Christianity. I love my faith. I really, truly, honestly do. No matter how much I try to convince myself (I don’t really try at all, but you know) that God is not real, the more I am convinced that He is. I see Him everywhere. And I love Him. He died for me. What I am saying here is that I don’t like being bound by these images. I want my image to be that of my Savior's. What I am saying here to you all, is to think before you judge. Before you point fingers at people, make sure that you are living the way Christ has called you to live. Don’t judge people on their clothes, their talk, their actions even. Actions, when observed out of context, can be misleading. Don’t assume. Know the heart of a person and their reasons and thinking before judging them and accusing them.

Anyways, that was just a lot of rambling thoughts on my part. I hope it made sense… and that I even made a point. :)

No, I haven't died; Yes, I do have time; No, I haven't forgotten you all; Yes I've run out of words to say... wait... what?

I have said I'd post once a week... and I really do mean to. I come here... and I try to write. I type, and I erase. It doesn't come. I can't get past a sentence. Some might say I'm suffering from... get this... writer's block. But no, actually, I'm not. I'm doing ridiculously well regarding my fictional stories. Or well, the character development of them. I'm on a roll. But in those things pertaining to regular life, I'm so out of tune I can't play a melody. Now, granted, I'll probably post this and then walk away to go do something and be like "HEY! I should blog about this!" :P It always happens. This may sound silly, but that's partly why I'm writing this post that I ran out of words, because there's something about being me that makes confessions actually open doors. You have no idea how many times I've said, "We're out of this" and then there it is! Or I say "Cats can't open doors" and there walks Toby through our previously closed door. Or how about the day I said "I'm broke" and then my dad walked in and said a lady wanted to pay me to custom make her a necklace. There is just something about being me, I tell you. So watch, guys. I'm gonna post this, and I bet by the end of the night I'll have words. ;)

[re]Defining Truth- a post from We Shall Speak

Here is a post I wrote for We Shall Speak that I wanted to repost here, as well.
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We live in a culture of lies. Lies that are harmful, hurtful, and even deadly. As Christians our primary responsibility is to glorify God. We are to focus on Him, and live for Him. We are to live against the grain; combating these lies that Satan is throwing at us and stabbing us with by being obedient to the precepts God has laid for us in the Bible. It seems pretty simple at a glance. Follow these rules, all goes well, right? Wrong. In this culture of lies, it is rare to find truth. It is rare to find what is just, righteous, and Godly. Many young people are not receiving teachings of truth, and are, therefore, being sucked into the falsehoods of our society. That is one goal of We Shall Speak. We want to give insightful, encouraging articles full of the truth and righteousness of God. We want young people to grow. We want to be increasing the truth of our Father and decreasing the deceptive images shoved in our faces.

First we must understand that there are two versions of ‘truth’. There is God’s truth- the truth of righteousness, honor, nobility, character, godliness, purity, and justice. And there is Satan’s truth- the truth of malice, anger, physical perfection, moral decline, and self centered living. Satan can make his version of truth look really good. Trust me. It looks like a comfy hotel room. You are settled in, ready for your vacation, right? Wrong. You walk to the door to find out it’s locked. There are no windows. You are locked in an elevator headed for Hell. But if you never get out of that comfy chair you’ll never know, will you? You’ll never know if there’s a way out if you don’t look for one. Guys (and girls), we are called to find these truths. We are called to search the Scriptures (Acts 17: 10-12) and build a foundation of truth to root ourselves in. If we have a foundation of deceit and impossible expectations, how can we fully trust in God?

I recently attended a conference called Embracing the Fathers Love. The speaker, Tricia Frost, made a statement that really set me thinking for days after. She said “Most Christians have faith that God is big enough, but they don’t trust in how big He is!”. If you ask a Christian whether God is big, they will say “Yes”; but if you ask them whether they trust that He is big, you’ll see the mist of doubt begin to cloud their faces. Guys, truth today has been so distorted. What seems to be real and just is terribly not so! It seems just to abort and terminate the life of a baby that doctors know will be a vegetable… is that truth and justice? No! Sanctity of life and God’s creative design is truth and justice!

The world is filled with seeming good morals. Even the slightest alteration on a truth of God can make a huge impact in removing His precepts from this world. One word can change a sentence. One lie can change a life. One life can change the world. It seems incredible to me that one life can change the world. But think about it. One person changes the life of another, who changes the life of another, who changes the life of another, etc. The effects can spread like a wildfire. That is why it is important to get the truth down each time. A perfect example would be a game I used to play. It’s really fun, you should try it. We called it “telephone”… there are probably other names, too. It went like this Kristi would pick a word or phrase…. Say… “the groove is in the heart”. Kristi would then whisper to Harry “the groove is in the heart” and Harry might say to Maggie “the move is in the heart” who might say to Richard “the clue is in the cart” and it goes on. That is often how it is with facts and culture. We need to make sure we are getting it right. No one of us needs to believe that Harry whispered it to us exactly right. We have to go check for ourselves before passing the word on to the next person.

It is vital we begin with a good, firm rooting in truth. Otherwise we are oh so susceptible to being shaken from our faith. It is happening all around us. False truth being packaged as good morality, or even God’s truth. The prosperity Gospel, the health Gospel, the works based Gospel, etc. They all look religious and good, but it doesn’t make them so. Again, I can’t stress the importance of standing in truth. It is what will allow you to discern whether or not what I say is true, or the next person, and anybody else you meet. Don’t let Satan trick you. Don’t let him get the best of you. Seek truth and hold on to it for dear life. The best way to find truth is to seek God… the author of truth. “Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you.” Luke 12:31

I really hate these....

I really hate having to do this as often as I do. Once was more than enough. Twice was really just enough. Three times and your out, ya know. Anyway, the point. I am asking you all to please pray for a family that we know. Recently the brother of the mother (Mrs. Amy) passed away. I know this is going to be hard on the family, and is hard. The funeral is over as of a few days ago, but the pain is not. Please pray for comfort and strength for them all. Thank you all! (Note: I did not say ya'll. See? I'm more refined than people give me credit.)

~Kaitland

Chapter 18 (In which I confess to many dastardly deeds and purpose to change my defective ways and begin again, avoiding said deeds and all nefarious actions hereto after)

Like the title? I do, too.

So I had other posts planned to write, and still plan to write them, but this one completely won out. Why? Because I really felt God confirming this as something I needed to say. Lately... lately I have allowed myself, even chosen, to become distracted. Distracted with family, friends, chores, grocery shopping, cleaning, even sitting there doing nothing (go figure). I have allowed myself to get distracted so that I would not have to bother with the things that I knew would keep me from what I was using to distract me (did you get that?). I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and I knew that if I gave God any leeway He'd take it. So I didn't. I sat day after day explaining to myself why it was okay, finding loopholes and exceptions that could justify my actions. Guys, I am here to tell you (oh how many times I have heard that phrase) that it doesn't work! Again, I was looking in my little square of now and not looking to the big painting of tomorrow. You want to know what the end result was? More hurt than I ever could guess (okay, well it's not so bad as it could be, but let's just say my highway has a looooot o' potholes right now **).

So that isn't even the confession. That was just the prologue. Thank you folks, I know it's a wonderful read so far (apparently lack of humility isn't on the list of confessions). Here it is. I don't read my Bible any more than I absolutely, positively, completely, and totally have to. Seriously. I am eighteen years old, and most nine year olds raised in Christian homes probably read their Bibles more than I have. I. Feel. Awful. I'm a Christian who doesn't read the Bible. That's like a governor who doesn't read his state's newspaper (oh, wait... that's true for our state).... okay, that's like a law student who doesn't read the law books! So simply put, I am a hypocrite. I totally just confessed that on Blogger. It's not like God didn't know already. So why am I telling you guys (that is, whoever reads these crumby little things) this? Because it doesn't end there. 

That's one thing I love about God. It never just "ends there". There is always, always, something left to be done, and if you are willing, He's going to be doing it. Recently, as in the last week or so, God really has been moving some things. He's been pulling the walls down of my "hiding place". I looked up just in time to see what was coming, but by then it was too late. To be honest, I saw what was coming last summer, but me and my selfish and sinful heart didn't care. I was willing to risk everything I knew to be right to have what I wanted most. Do I regret it? Yes, I do. Can I undo it? No, I can't. But I can change how I go from here on out. I have really had a desire in the last week to know God's word. To really know it. To stop having to think "oh I need to go on Bible Gateway and do a search so I can write on this topic", and to start thinking "oh, this verse I just thought of would be great for that post I'm writing". Paul commended the Bereans for searching the Scriptures to see if what he said was true (Acts 17: 10-12). I have been so guilty of just accepting what I hear. The Bereans measured all things by Scripture. So that's how I want it to be. With the aid of the New King James Version Daily Bible (whew, what a name!) I will do just that.

Now this is where it gets cool (in my opinion). So this last week there has been a Bible story that has really stuck out to me. The story of Peter walking on the water. Not because some maniacal dude walked on water. Rather because some crazy dude trusted. This guy trusted. I mean, how crazy is that? Did he really think he could walk on water? Probably not. But he was crazy enough to trust and try. He didn't take a ton of steps before thinking. Each step was a thought.

Step one- "I trust in you, O God".

Step two- "You are trustworthy, Jesus".

Step three- "You are trustworthy, right, Jesus?".

Step four- "Um, hey, Jesus... my feet are getting a little wet... and now my ankles.... and now my calves... Lord, save me!"

Now get this. Jesus didn't say "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" and then stretch out His hand. He immediately stretched out His hand and caught him. That's how He is with us, too. When we cry out "Lord, save me!" He doesn't stand over us and point out all of our sins and say "Why have you doubted me?" before pulling us back up to our feet. He pulls us back up and asks us why. More for our benefit than His. Our doubt only hurts us. God knows what is going to happen no matter what. So when we doubt, all it does is harm us. A friend said to me recently "The beginning of fear is the end of our faith." And that is ever so true. It is an active war we fight against Satan for control of our thoughts and emotions.

It was when Peter focused solely upon Jesus- not the tossing waves and cutting winds around him- that he walked on water. The moment his eyes left the face of Jesus the doubt crept in. My eyes have left the face of Jesus many times this past year or more. I have not fought to see Him alone. The doubts crept in and I clung to what I felt I needed to keep me from sinking in the lack of hope I felt. Note I say 'felt'. I doubted up and down the planet, because I was scared God wasn't big enough to give me what I wanted most. How lame is that view? I really need to broaden my view of God. Which brings me to my next thing (oh yeah, there's more coming).

God showed me today yet another example of just how big He is. So I said I have had the story of Peter walking on water (Matthew 14:22-26) on my mind all week, right? I also said I was going to be using The New King James Version Daily Bible, right? Today was my first day using it. I remember thinking earlier today, "I wonder if I'll start reading and something will come up about things I've been thinking about lately, or something I want to write about." So I flipped to January 22nd. I read in Genesis. Had some good thoughts there that will go into another blog post (cause do you really want any more added to all of this?). Then I read Psalms. Good stuff there, too. The Lord tests the righteous.... and does He test hard. Then I read in Proverbs. God, thank you so much for Proverbs. That was the slap in the face I needed. Wow. How convicting. A reaffirming of the awesomeness of parents, right when I needed it most. Then.... then I read in Matthew. The very same story that I had been meditating upon the whole week. There it was. And then I read "Lord, save me!". And I thought "God, that's me! I'm sinking, please save me!". I then proceeded to read on. "And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him." And I knew, that is what God had done and is doing for me. I was up to my knees, but He is pulling me back up. I need to focus on nothing but Him, walking side by side with my Saviour, through the storm to the other side.

And folks... I belive that is all for now. Note I say 'for now'. Because I have more coming whenever it comes. Until then, lots of love in Christ.

**in reference to the song "Life is a Highway".

I would like to introduce you all to one of my favorite sites and a great resource for teen writers. This is the official introduction video and it explains a good deal of what it's all about. My favorite thing about this place? The acceptance. The do hard things attitude. No one is told they aren't good enough. I will sum it up with a comment I left on the site just a few days ago:

"This community has most definitely impacted me! It has provided me with a fresh desire and passion for picking up my pen, and has given me hope that it is possible for teens to write well and be successful in their endeavors. And not only that, but I have been introduced to the first adult that is willing to take his time to mold and shape teenagers into great writers.
So many times I’ve been discouraged by adults who don’t think I’m very good, because, well, I’m a teen! They point out my errors, and instead of helping me find the solution they walk away, leaving me puzzled. That doesn’t happen here! Everyone gathers together, lovingly tears the given work apart and gently builds it into something far stronger and better. No one is slandered, put down, or humiliated here. It warms my heart and brightens my smile to see what goes on here at CalebBreakey.com. My only regret is that I didn’t jump in sooner, when I had the chance!

I can’t wait to see how this community grows and changes. This has the potential to change not only how the world views teen writers, but how they view themselves. I am so thankful for Caleb and all the other members of this community, and everyone who is yet to come!"

If I Could Write a Life Back...

I'm a writer. It's something I have always loved to do, always plan to do, and can never not do. But as a writer, I am the one that holds the power. I have control, I hold the fate of all my characters, and I hold the course of events in my hands. I can choose what I want to happen. I hold life in my grasp. But in reality, it doesn't work like that. I hold no control over the happenings of any lives but my own. I may have influence in the lives of others, but not control. Truly, only God does.

And it is this lack of control and the ability to alter the course of events and change a person and tweak a happening to suit what I think should happen and to go along the course of my plans for the story that can sometimes become frustrating and sad. In the world of writing, I hold the position of God. My characters (assume with me for a moment that they are real people) have to rely and trust that I know the end of the story. I know how it will all turn out. So if I allow one character to die, it is because I have chosen it for the good of the story. But as a writer I hold the power to write that life back, as well.

As a child of God, the situation has me as the character and Him as the writer. I am thankful He is the all seeing, all powerful, perfect, and perfectly just writer. As His creation, his character, it is my job to trust and believe that He knows the end of the story; that He knows why things had to be the way they are. We all know that sin has made it so death is imminent. God does hold the power to write a life back, but most often, death stays death in His story. (Get it, His story- History? Hehe, I like that. Anyway, let us continue).

This weekend my faith and trust in the Author of our lives was once again put to the test. A wonderful man of God and loving husband and father was taken from us on Saturday evening. At first I could not believe it. I had seen a miracle done in this very man's life. How could God perform such a miracle then so quickly take him away? A couple years ago Mr. Bryan got sick with the whooping cough. He continued on with life as normal, until he contracted pneumonia as a result of the whooping cough. At that point he landed in the hospital due to the severity of it. However, he contracted another illness (of which I do not know the name) on top of the pneumonia. One that was predicted to kill him slowly. Paralysis set slowly in, finally coming to the point of complete and total paralysis. He could not move at all by himself, and at one point (for a few days only, thankfully) he couldn't even breathe on his own. It was a trying time for his entire family, his wife stayed by his side constantly, his oldest son, Darian (16 at the time) became the main supporter of the family, finding rides to work and working as hard as he could.

However, many people were there to support and help the family during the whole deal. We all prayed without ceasing that God would spare his life. And we were all so thrilled when we heard that not only was he past the danger point, he was walking again! Within six to eight months he had made a full, total recovery, blowing everyone away. I could never say his name without someone saying "Isn't it amazing the miracle God has done?" Talk about a testimony! He went back to work and normal life, took on coaching the homeschool high school football team that his son played on, and got back into the social events and swing of life. I saw him just a couple weeks ago at the playoffs, and he was doing so amazingly well. Which is why it comes as a total shock to every single one of us. He suddenly stopped breathing on Saturday night, and they were not able to revive him. He went to be with his Creator then.

It was Sunday morning, as we were all getting ready for church that we heard from a pastor friend of ours what had happened. My first reaction was to question God "God, how in the world could this happen? You took Ryan from us, you took Daniel from us, why Mr. Duncan?" (for more on that see here). It was hard! All I could think about were little Hepzibah and Hadassah, their little ones, now growing up without a daddy. I couldn't understand it. But then putting it in perspective, this is what sin has done for us. This was the misdeed done in the beginning of the story that is played out through the rest. It's the necessary ending to the story. Every story must have an end. Thankfully every ending story leaves an impression on the reader. A legacy to leave with those that observe the story.

I shared the news with a friend, who's first response (the same one he shared with me when Ryan and Daniel passed away.... some things never change ;) ) was "Why is everybody dying?". I knew the answer, and he knew the answer, but sometimes it's hard to accept it. Everyone has an end to their story, and it comes at just the right point, whether we think so or not.

Seeing as life has been a heavy flurry of events, this is probably muddled and not well written out, but now you all know that a family needs your prayers. Badly. Please keep the Duncan family in your prayers as they make it through this hard time in their lives. :)

~Kaitland