Chapter 18 (In which I confess to many dastardly deeds and purpose to change my defective ways and begin again, avoiding said deeds and all nefarious actions hereto after)

Like the title? I do, too.

So I had other posts planned to write, and still plan to write them, but this one completely won out. Why? Because I really felt God confirming this as something I needed to say. Lately... lately I have allowed myself, even chosen, to become distracted. Distracted with family, friends, chores, grocery shopping, cleaning, even sitting there doing nothing (go figure). I have allowed myself to get distracted so that I would not have to bother with the things that I knew would keep me from what I was using to distract me (did you get that?). I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and I knew that if I gave God any leeway He'd take it. So I didn't. I sat day after day explaining to myself why it was okay, finding loopholes and exceptions that could justify my actions. Guys, I am here to tell you (oh how many times I have heard that phrase) that it doesn't work! Again, I was looking in my little square of now and not looking to the big painting of tomorrow. You want to know what the end result was? More hurt than I ever could guess (okay, well it's not so bad as it could be, but let's just say my highway has a looooot o' potholes right now **).

So that isn't even the confession. That was just the prologue. Thank you folks, I know it's a wonderful read so far (apparently lack of humility isn't on the list of confessions). Here it is. I don't read my Bible any more than I absolutely, positively, completely, and totally have to. Seriously. I am eighteen years old, and most nine year olds raised in Christian homes probably read their Bibles more than I have. I. Feel. Awful. I'm a Christian who doesn't read the Bible. That's like a governor who doesn't read his state's newspaper (oh, wait... that's true for our state).... okay, that's like a law student who doesn't read the law books! So simply put, I am a hypocrite. I totally just confessed that on Blogger. It's not like God didn't know already. So why am I telling you guys (that is, whoever reads these crumby little things) this? Because it doesn't end there. 

That's one thing I love about God. It never just "ends there". There is always, always, something left to be done, and if you are willing, He's going to be doing it. Recently, as in the last week or so, God really has been moving some things. He's been pulling the walls down of my "hiding place". I looked up just in time to see what was coming, but by then it was too late. To be honest, I saw what was coming last summer, but me and my selfish and sinful heart didn't care. I was willing to risk everything I knew to be right to have what I wanted most. Do I regret it? Yes, I do. Can I undo it? No, I can't. But I can change how I go from here on out. I have really had a desire in the last week to know God's word. To really know it. To stop having to think "oh I need to go on Bible Gateway and do a search so I can write on this topic", and to start thinking "oh, this verse I just thought of would be great for that post I'm writing". Paul commended the Bereans for searching the Scriptures to see if what he said was true (Acts 17: 10-12). I have been so guilty of just accepting what I hear. The Bereans measured all things by Scripture. So that's how I want it to be. With the aid of the New King James Version Daily Bible (whew, what a name!) I will do just that.

Now this is where it gets cool (in my opinion). So this last week there has been a Bible story that has really stuck out to me. The story of Peter walking on the water. Not because some maniacal dude walked on water. Rather because some crazy dude trusted. This guy trusted. I mean, how crazy is that? Did he really think he could walk on water? Probably not. But he was crazy enough to trust and try. He didn't take a ton of steps before thinking. Each step was a thought.

Step one- "I trust in you, O God".

Step two- "You are trustworthy, Jesus".

Step three- "You are trustworthy, right, Jesus?".

Step four- "Um, hey, Jesus... my feet are getting a little wet... and now my ankles.... and now my calves... Lord, save me!"

Now get this. Jesus didn't say "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" and then stretch out His hand. He immediately stretched out His hand and caught him. That's how He is with us, too. When we cry out "Lord, save me!" He doesn't stand over us and point out all of our sins and say "Why have you doubted me?" before pulling us back up to our feet. He pulls us back up and asks us why. More for our benefit than His. Our doubt only hurts us. God knows what is going to happen no matter what. So when we doubt, all it does is harm us. A friend said to me recently "The beginning of fear is the end of our faith." And that is ever so true. It is an active war we fight against Satan for control of our thoughts and emotions.

It was when Peter focused solely upon Jesus- not the tossing waves and cutting winds around him- that he walked on water. The moment his eyes left the face of Jesus the doubt crept in. My eyes have left the face of Jesus many times this past year or more. I have not fought to see Him alone. The doubts crept in and I clung to what I felt I needed to keep me from sinking in the lack of hope I felt. Note I say 'felt'. I doubted up and down the planet, because I was scared God wasn't big enough to give me what I wanted most. How lame is that view? I really need to broaden my view of God. Which brings me to my next thing (oh yeah, there's more coming).

God showed me today yet another example of just how big He is. So I said I have had the story of Peter walking on water (Matthew 14:22-26) on my mind all week, right? I also said I was going to be using The New King James Version Daily Bible, right? Today was my first day using it. I remember thinking earlier today, "I wonder if I'll start reading and something will come up about things I've been thinking about lately, or something I want to write about." So I flipped to January 22nd. I read in Genesis. Had some good thoughts there that will go into another blog post (cause do you really want any more added to all of this?). Then I read Psalms. Good stuff there, too. The Lord tests the righteous.... and does He test hard. Then I read in Proverbs. God, thank you so much for Proverbs. That was the slap in the face I needed. Wow. How convicting. A reaffirming of the awesomeness of parents, right when I needed it most. Then.... then I read in Matthew. The very same story that I had been meditating upon the whole week. There it was. And then I read "Lord, save me!". And I thought "God, that's me! I'm sinking, please save me!". I then proceeded to read on. "And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him." And I knew, that is what God had done and is doing for me. I was up to my knees, but He is pulling me back up. I need to focus on nothing but Him, walking side by side with my Saviour, through the storm to the other side.

And folks... I belive that is all for now. Note I say 'for now'. Because I have more coming whenever it comes. Until then, lots of love in Christ.

**in reference to the song "Life is a Highway".

I would like to introduce you all to one of my favorite sites and a great resource for teen writers. This is the official introduction video and it explains a good deal of what it's all about. My favorite thing about this place? The acceptance. The do hard things attitude. No one is told they aren't good enough. I will sum it up with a comment I left on the site just a few days ago:

"This community has most definitely impacted me! It has provided me with a fresh desire and passion for picking up my pen, and has given me hope that it is possible for teens to write well and be successful in their endeavors. And not only that, but I have been introduced to the first adult that is willing to take his time to mold and shape teenagers into great writers.
So many times I’ve been discouraged by adults who don’t think I’m very good, because, well, I’m a teen! They point out my errors, and instead of helping me find the solution they walk away, leaving me puzzled. That doesn’t happen here! Everyone gathers together, lovingly tears the given work apart and gently builds it into something far stronger and better. No one is slandered, put down, or humiliated here. It warms my heart and brightens my smile to see what goes on here at CalebBreakey.com. My only regret is that I didn’t jump in sooner, when I had the chance!

I can’t wait to see how this community grows and changes. This has the potential to change not only how the world views teen writers, but how they view themselves. I am so thankful for Caleb and all the other members of this community, and everyone who is yet to come!"

If I Could Write a Life Back...

I'm a writer. It's something I have always loved to do, always plan to do, and can never not do. But as a writer, I am the one that holds the power. I have control, I hold the fate of all my characters, and I hold the course of events in my hands. I can choose what I want to happen. I hold life in my grasp. But in reality, it doesn't work like that. I hold no control over the happenings of any lives but my own. I may have influence in the lives of others, but not control. Truly, only God does.

And it is this lack of control and the ability to alter the course of events and change a person and tweak a happening to suit what I think should happen and to go along the course of my plans for the story that can sometimes become frustrating and sad. In the world of writing, I hold the position of God. My characters (assume with me for a moment that they are real people) have to rely and trust that I know the end of the story. I know how it will all turn out. So if I allow one character to die, it is because I have chosen it for the good of the story. But as a writer I hold the power to write that life back, as well.

As a child of God, the situation has me as the character and Him as the writer. I am thankful He is the all seeing, all powerful, perfect, and perfectly just writer. As His creation, his character, it is my job to trust and believe that He knows the end of the story; that He knows why things had to be the way they are. We all know that sin has made it so death is imminent. God does hold the power to write a life back, but most often, death stays death in His story. (Get it, His story- History? Hehe, I like that. Anyway, let us continue).

This weekend my faith and trust in the Author of our lives was once again put to the test. A wonderful man of God and loving husband and father was taken from us on Saturday evening. At first I could not believe it. I had seen a miracle done in this very man's life. How could God perform such a miracle then so quickly take him away? A couple years ago Mr. Bryan got sick with the whooping cough. He continued on with life as normal, until he contracted pneumonia as a result of the whooping cough. At that point he landed in the hospital due to the severity of it. However, he contracted another illness (of which I do not know the name) on top of the pneumonia. One that was predicted to kill him slowly. Paralysis set slowly in, finally coming to the point of complete and total paralysis. He could not move at all by himself, and at one point (for a few days only, thankfully) he couldn't even breathe on his own. It was a trying time for his entire family, his wife stayed by his side constantly, his oldest son, Darian (16 at the time) became the main supporter of the family, finding rides to work and working as hard as he could.

However, many people were there to support and help the family during the whole deal. We all prayed without ceasing that God would spare his life. And we were all so thrilled when we heard that not only was he past the danger point, he was walking again! Within six to eight months he had made a full, total recovery, blowing everyone away. I could never say his name without someone saying "Isn't it amazing the miracle God has done?" Talk about a testimony! He went back to work and normal life, took on coaching the homeschool high school football team that his son played on, and got back into the social events and swing of life. I saw him just a couple weeks ago at the playoffs, and he was doing so amazingly well. Which is why it comes as a total shock to every single one of us. He suddenly stopped breathing on Saturday night, and they were not able to revive him. He went to be with his Creator then.

It was Sunday morning, as we were all getting ready for church that we heard from a pastor friend of ours what had happened. My first reaction was to question God "God, how in the world could this happen? You took Ryan from us, you took Daniel from us, why Mr. Duncan?" (for more on that see here). It was hard! All I could think about were little Hepzibah and Hadassah, their little ones, now growing up without a daddy. I couldn't understand it. But then putting it in perspective, this is what sin has done for us. This was the misdeed done in the beginning of the story that is played out through the rest. It's the necessary ending to the story. Every story must have an end. Thankfully every ending story leaves an impression on the reader. A legacy to leave with those that observe the story.

I shared the news with a friend, who's first response (the same one he shared with me when Ryan and Daniel passed away.... some things never change ;) ) was "Why is everybody dying?". I knew the answer, and he knew the answer, but sometimes it's hard to accept it. Everyone has an end to their story, and it comes at just the right point, whether we think so or not.

Seeing as life has been a heavy flurry of events, this is probably muddled and not well written out, but now you all know that a family needs your prayers. Badly. Please keep the Duncan family in your prayers as they make it through this hard time in their lives. :)

~Kaitland

NaNoWriMo and Blogging.

So as some of you may know, NaNoWriMo has begun. If you don't know what that is.... well think 30 days of total insanity, all stemmed by the crazy goal of writing a novel (of at least, at least, 50,000 words), drinking lots of caffeine, writing your heart and soul out, losing sleep (for me, anyway), and writing like... a ton... oh wait, did I already mention the writing?

So... I know I don't post on here a ton anyway, but I've been stressing over the last few days over blogging and doing NaNoWriMo. The thought I was putting into what I would write on the blog is taking away from NaNo. I, unfortunately, cannot let that happen. November will already be a busy month for me, writing aside, and I need to be ahead of my goal- not behind. Therefore, for the month of November I will not be blogging. However, I put a handy-dandy NaNoWriMo calendar so that all you people can see my progress. Orange days I didn't do so good with my word count goal, green days I did good, really green days I did awesome, and really orange (or maybe red) I did really bad. It also tells you my current word count (as I update it).

So I will (hopefully) be back in December, and I want to know what you guys want me to write about when I return. If you guys think of something (that is reasonable) that you would like to see me write about, questions you want me to answer, etc, I will choose some of them to put here on the blog. All in December. Did I stress that part?

Thank you guys so much for your patience with me as is, I hope you guys will be as gracious during this next month! Happy shoving-yourself-in-a-hole-and-writing-like-a-madman!!!

~Kaitland

I stared out the window absent-mindedly; a blank, vacant look probably clothed my face. My mouth may have been open... I do that sometimes. I think I start to say something and I never do. You may as well have hung a neon, flashing sign over my head, that said "Kaitland is a looney!". I'd probably never notice anyways.

I was immersed (quite literally) in the task at hand. The vicious bubbles spun from Dawn dishwashing soap clung to my arms, all the way up to my elbows. A rag hung limp in my hands, being sort of rubbed, sort of flopped against whatever dish I was holding. My phone sat on the the window sill, playing assorted contemporary Christian songs, compliments of Pandora.

All this to get to the main point. A song came on. "True Love" by Phil Wickham. As it began to play I listened. But it wasn't long before I tuned out. I began remembering a verse. At the time I didn't know the exact reference (it's John 15:13, in case you were wondering). I just remember thinking "Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." When I was younger I thought I knew what that meant. Death, of course. Jesus died, and so we must be willing to die. I thought "Of course I would die for a friend! After all, I know I'm saved, but I don't know that they are." And only recently (the past year or so) have I begun to realize that that verse doesn't specify how we are to give up our lives. It dawned on me that giving our lives doesn't simply mean ending it to save another. That's giving our deaths. Giving our lives is so much more. Our life is each second that we are breathing and our heart is beating. There are two ways to give that up. We substitute someone else's for our own (i.e. taking death for another), or we give of those seconds to others. We give the life that God has given us, and rather than stealing it for our own selfish motives and purposes, we freely give of it to those that ask it of us. For if we leave this life having lived for ourselves, we take nothing but our souls with us, and we leave nothing behind. We take our life with us. But if we leave this life having acquiesced to the wishes of others, and giving them love by giving them our lives, we take love with us. The hearts of those we gave our lives to. We leave having left smiles and tears, memories and laughter, love and heartache. We leave a life behind.

As I thought on all of this, I decided to think of love in its true form- God. I then thought of God manifested as man- Jesus. It began to click in my somewhat slow, thick head, that love had lived among us. He had shown everyday what I was just now finding out. I had always thought that his legacy of love was his death. But I was wrong. It was his life. It was the constant giving of himself to his disciples and followers. Never was he angered by their questions and requests for miracles. He gave his life over to them. He gladly instructed them and spent time with him. It wasn't about what was on his agenda. He made his life about the very people who put the nails in his hand. And he knew it. He knew as he spoke to them what they were going to do. But despite that knowledge, he instructed them anyway.

So I realized that every time I see a face running to me, asking me to come see this, or please do that, to sigh and say "I have a life to live, too!" is such a waste of the love that I have, through God's presence in me. I saw that I was, in truth, sinning, to put myself before others, because the Bible commands us to do just the opposite of that. That isn't to say that we can never again do what we need/want to do. But if it isn't the priority, we shouldn't make it. People will remember the giving of yourself to them far more than the day to day minutae of life. And so I will close with a verse from the chorus of the song "Legacy" by Nicole Nordemann.

I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me?

Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough?

In Christ and Of Christ,
Kaitland

I was praying one day- frustrated, exhausted, pleading with God for a magic fix-it potion.The cause- my family relationships. They aren't bad- they definitely don't rival most family relationships across America- but that doesn't make them good. By God's standards they are far from their proper place. So here I stood, washing dishes and pouring out my "Why does so and so do this?" and "Why can't they just do it right, God?" or "God, they can't treat me like that! How am I supposed to keep being nice if they are going to have no respect?!" "God, why can't I just have a chummy relationship with them all!!!". I ranted and I raved. I continued on. And He listened. When I was done and I stood quietly, washing a plate, rinsing a cup. And it came. In the silence He spoke to my heart.

When I was younger I never looked towards the future. All I could think of was "What can I do now?" The farthest I ever looked was three years at the most. And when I looked ahead I didn't see how I would stand with people. All I could see was what I would be doing. Would I be able to drive? What kind of car would I have? Would I be married? (I wanted to be married at 16). Would I be rich? These were the only things I looked to the (near) future for. Never once did I think of what my future relationships would be like. I never saw then the damage done now. Now I look and see, instead, a long road of building, and repairing the little I do have of many and most of my relationships. But really, it's deeper than that. God revealed to me the true root. It wasn't my actions or words, my tone or my choices. While each of those affected my relationships, those were not and are not the root. The root laid in the fact that my walk with my Savior wasn't where it needed to be.

Something that I have not grasped until recently was what a walk with my Savior meant. I was so caught up in thinking that walking with him meant a long list of do's and don'ts and can's and can'ts. I preferred just believing in Him. That's all a saving faith was anyway, right? I was too overwhelmed by my definition of the narrow path, that I gave up. I stopped reading my Bible. I couldn't understand it anyway. I only prayed when I needed something. I could spend all day praying, at any rate. My view point was so wrong. So I played the good girl. My life was a hollographic image- turn it one way and everyone could see my good girl image. I went to church, I carried my Bible around, I sang beautiful, encouraging worship songs, I talked the talk, but when you turned the image the other way... I wasn't walking the walk. The other side reflected... well, what the first side reflected. Me. But in a different light. This was the selfish me. This is where I gave up Bible reading for fiction reading, and I spent my prayer time talking on the phone. This is the side that I wrote only my fiction works, rather than what God was putting on my heart to write. That side... that side was my side.

But God wasn't finished with me. Isn't that the most beautiful thing? Even when I was a hopeless case, He still kept peeling. He peeled away slowly, layer by layer. The bitterness, the stress, the fear, the confusion. He peeled away the sorrow, the pain, the stubborness, and the lies. He worked year, after year, using different people and things. Slowly and gently, but persistently. And finally, a month or so ago, the light broke through. I could see the painful truths that I had been previously blind to. The first being that my definitions of walking with Christ and a saving faith were wrong. Very wrong. Faith and love are not exuberating emotions that must be felt in order to want to do what God asks of you. Faith and love are commitment. It's a commitment to do what God asks no matter what. Even when you don't feel like it. And the end result is always the same. You don't feel like it in the beginning, but you are stronger and full of joy at the end. Never does God leave you empty upon seeking Him. Never. I realized that it's the effort God wants. He wants you to read His word whether you understand or not. He wants to reveal it to you. He's not asking you to read ten chapters a day if you can't. He's asking you to read. One chapter, if that's all you can handle. I realized that praying isn't some religious chant or monotone talk time. It's a conversation. Sometimes one sided, but never alone. Quiet prayer time is good, yes, but God likes to hear you all day. Not just during prayer time. He doesn't mind having His hypothetical ear talked off!

I thought I was good to go. I now knew what walking with Him meant. But it still wasn't the end. (There never really is an end until death). Now He was showing me a new level. Showing me that I was still in the beginning of the road with Him. I needed to start walking. I needed to catch up. And He showed me that until I learned how to love Him- how to love love itself- I couldn't know how to love anyone else. I couldn't show them what I didn't know. He showed me that if I get it right with Him, other things begin to fall into place. It reaches out and touches those daily things. Once I put my focus and attention on the root, once I watered it and carefully tended it, allowing it to grow and multiply, then I could finally begin to see the fruit on the branches. Fruit doesn't grow on dead branches. The branches need to root to be alive and thriving. I was so focused on tending the dead branches of my life I had forgotten to care for my root. For my beginning. My lifeline. My Savior.

It's been a hard lesson to learn. It took 18 years to learn it. I still am only beginning to put it into action. In some areas it may take another 18 years before I reap what I am trying to put into effect now. But God is so good! He is gracious and merciful, loving and kind, He never lets us go! And by His grace, and with His strength, I will continue to grow; continue to walk with my Savior. For it is by grace that we are saved. It's His gift to us. For that I am eternally grateful.

Where, oh where, has Kaitland gone?

^That is something you might be wondering. If not, then, *sniff* that's okay... doesn't bother me none. ;P

If ya'll (you all, whatever) would like to know, I have been busy with lots of new things, and old things, and old things that are seemingly being added to, making them new(er). Now I do the family grocery shopping, still do my regular chores, teach little kids, run the family chauffer service, and still try and make time to read and try (very desperately) to write. Guess what? I have been working on a blog post that I will post whenever I get it finished. I got a whole paragraph done.... and it only took me three days!!! Between all of the above listed things I will be considering and, based upon the answer, possibly looking for, finding, and working a job. :) I'm going to be up to my NECK! But that's okay... I have Jesus, right? Right.

So, to update ya'll on some things, we went to visit my grandparents last weekend.... most amazing weekend of my life. (Seriously). Also, God's been teaching me some things, which is contributing a lot to my absence from that somewhat familiar, can't put a name to the face.... oh yeah, internet. I want to get back to writing for my blogs... I love to write and I want to share it all with you guys, but my God and my family come first and foremost! I want to make sure that I am practicing what I preach and that I am growing in my walk with God and letting it touch the other areas of my life. I need to get this right and I need to get it right now. Not later. Now. This is where I draw the line to "I'm fixin' to". So as much as I love you guys, posts will be sporadic. But hopefully a blessing. Hopefully showing where my heart is and in what state it lies, and hopefully it will be a good state. I do love your comments, though.... I do like talking to you guys, and I do want to be back at it soon!!!

Love in Christ Jesus,
Kaitland